I read something yesterday that has given me a great deal of peace.  I’ve been reading so much mindset lately in the form of articles, blogs, quotes, anything to understand myself better and fix the negative and self-destructive talk that runs through my head.  For some reason, this one particular article got my attention more so than any other – and before you ask what article it was I have to admit I now can’t find it.

So I’m paraphrasing, but it basically said it was OK if you’ve been trying to write that book, or for me that blog for the last week, month, year and you haven’t for whatever your reasons have been.  It’s OK that you tried something again and again and set expectations and did not meet them for days, months and even years.  There was something that wasn’t in place for you yet that was keeping you from whatever your goal was.  I think it was actually seeing the word “years” in the article describing how long someone has been dealing with something, actually seeing that other people have been paralyzed with inaction for years that resonated with me.  It made it OK that I struggle with wanting to do different things, and some of them do go back years, but keep disappointing myself when I don’t complete them.

Forgiving others is something I’ve become much better at over the years.  Forgiving my parents for all the things I felt they did to me growing up – never intentionally I realize – helped me foster better relationships with both of them.  Forgiving my ex-husband for what happened in our relationship took me about 10 years, but it was very freeing and cathartic.  But forgiving the one person that seems to need my forgiveness the most has been the struggle of most of my lifetime.

I think it feels ridiculous to me that I need to forgive myself.  That I’ve been somehow waiting for that self-acceptance to be able to push forward with my life.  I find it ironic that what’s holding me back now that I feel like I have everything I was secretly wishing for  – my own business, a loving family, a supportive relationship, is myself.  And I’m the one constant in the whole affair!

So after reading the short article yesterday something clicked for me.  I’m more at peace with myself and I’m learning to release myself from the guilt of unmet deadlines in my past that I’ve been holding onto for years now. 

If you’re out there searching for your breakthrough and feeling like it will never come, I beg you to be patient and allow things to flow into your life.  You’ll find something that sheds some light for you and pushes you forward.  Beginning the process of self-forgiveness feels right at this point in my life and something it seems I’ve been searching for.

We all have egos, and even the most confident among us likes to be praised every now and then.  And who out there doesn’t like to hear how great they are in bed, or how sexy they look, or how much they turn their partner on?  Now I know the old saying, “Actions speak louder than words”, but sometimes, that one sentence spoken at the right time can mean so much more and have a greater impact than anything you could have done.

One of our most vulnerable times is when we’re naked.  To tell someone how sexy they look right when they are most vulnerable is to give them great power that boosts their self-esteem, enhances their sexual empowerment, and strengthens the trust and safety within your relationship.  Words definitely have power in the bedroom.

If you say to your lover, “Do you know how sexy you look right now”, whatever it is they’re doing when you say that, you can be sure they’ll do it again in the future.  When everybody’s naked and maybe doing something new, these 9 words can do a lot to boost self-confidence “Do you know how sexy you look right now?”  If you’re trying to encourage your mate to continue doing something, or to do it again in the future, those 9 words are a sure fire way to ensure a repeat performance.

A note of caution, use these words sparingly.  Too much of a good thing can become something that feels less heart-felt and much less genuine than you intended.  Like the couple you know that is always saying and doing over the top gushy things – it doesn’t seem real and they seem like they’re trying too hard.  You know when it’s the right time, and if you say it from your heart you can’t go wrong.  Make your partner feel sexy, special, like they’re the only one you could imagine yourself with.  Those are the words you want running through their head when they’ve had a long day and they recall their favorite memory.  The memory of those words will rekindle that fire all by themselves.

Dawn

Most of us never really talk about sex.  It might feel like we do, because we’re having sex, but do you really ever talk about it outside of the “bedroom” with your actual partner, girlfriends don’t count on this one?  Do you talk about what both of you would like to try, or do you share a fantasy you’ve had?  Most of us don’t, and we all have any number of reasons for not sharing – fear, trust-issues, insecurities.  Most of us were not brought up feeling comfortable talking about sex.  And while most of us are comfortable seeing it in movies, reading about it in Cosmo, talking about it with our partner can be a hang-up.

So when the people who aren’t talking about it happen upon Sweet Escape™, or a store like ours, they may find themselves  at a loss as a couple.  I’ve started calling this the couple’s sex store dance and it goes something like this:

A couple comes in the store and neither of them knew what to expect inside.  They both discover what’s in our store after a few minutes, and giggle together or share a knowing look or comment to put both of them at ease.  She finds something interesting and the dance starts; she says, “Oh, what does this do?  That looks interesting.”  He says, “Is this something we should try?”  She’s usually noncommittal at this point, there’s still much more to see.  A few minutes later he takes the lead and finds something interesting and she’s asking if this is something they should try.  Now sometimes this is a dance being led by only one of the couple, and sometimes the partners take turns taking the lead.  The partners who share taking the lead seem to have a healthier grasp on their sexuality and seem more open to exploring.

When the dance is one-sided though, it means one person may be more adventurous, and/or the other person might be a little unsure of themselves.  Stores like ours provide a great excuse to have a conversation about trying something new or exploring something you may have been hesitant to bring up in the past.

What better time to bring up a fantasy like being tied up then when you’re in a boutique and you see handcuffs or bed restraints?  You could just point out a product and if you have a partner who’s open, they may ask, “Is that something you might like to try?”  When your partner asks that, it normally means they’re open to it also.  If they weren’t open, the answer to you pointing it out would be “Yup.”  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I’m saddened when I hear a dance invitation turned down completely.  When it’s warm out, the doors are open and you can hear the conversation outside as people pass by debating whether or not to come in the store.  You’ll hear one person say, “Do you want to go in?”  And the reply, “We don’t need anything in there.”  That person has fear inside them from any number of sources.  And it’s not always the female in the relationship as our stereotypes would lead us to believe.  

I want to run out to the street and counsel and ask questions and share my story of how I used to be like that, and how you can change if you want to and how that opens you up to a whole new space with in your relationship. 

Now I’m not saying everyone has to love and use sex toys, I’m just talking about “talking about IT”, outside of doing “IT”, and being open enough and loving enough to see what’s possible.

Let your hair down everyone and enjoy each other!

Dawn

After a visit a couple of weeks ago from 3 dear friends from college, I was reminded of those relationships that you have in your life, that are effortless.  I haven’t seen/spoken or really even emailed 2 of these friends in almost 3 years yet when they arrived it was like we had just seen each other.  You know that easy rhythm you fall back into.  No one is judging, no one is blaming the other for not having called.  We marveled that it had been 3 years, but there’s that comfort and ease.

I recently connected with an old friend whom I had been so close with nearly 10 years ago – we were inseparable at work and she meant the world to me.  I ended up destroying our friendship, because I wasn’t ready to handle such a close and supportive relationship – this is something I’ve recently come to understand.  I thought of her over the years often, but never had the courage to reach out.  After seeing she had viewed my LinkedIn profile I figured what the hell, I can’t lose anything.  Messages, tears, and when we spoke all the time melted away, we filled each other in on the years we had missed and now we’re supporting each other in our search for personal fulfillment and freedom.

When you have that ease with someone, knowing that if you needed them they would be there, these are the people you want around you supporting you and cheering you on.  So if you’re like me, and you’ve let some of these relationships pass out of your life, get out and reconnect.  With social media these days, reconnecting could not be any easier.  How many times have you looked up that old friend on Facebook to see what they’re doing?  Go ahead and take the first step – you’ll never know until you try.

For us cowardly lions, and it takes less courage to email/friend/link someone than it does to call them or find them face-to-face.  So if you’re afraid of their response, hold your breath, send that email/friend request or LinkedIn request and see what happens.  I’ve been pleasantly rewarded with old friends back in my life and all new outlooks to share with them.
 

Dawn

I’ve been in a funk the last few days and I’ve finally figured out why.  Derrick and I went to an Exxxotica Show in Edison NJ last Friday night.  I would swear I saw a picture of their last show that shows at least one of the large sex toy manufacturers there with a huge display.  I wanted to check out what was new and talk to the reps from the company.  This show is open to the public and not really meant for retailers per say, but with its close proximity, we thought we’d take a chance. 

We walked in the door with women who were obviously looking to be “discovered” by the “movies”.  I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable wearing some of their outfits for my husband let alone go out in public, but no judgment here.  When we walked into the show, there was a giant see-saw with two “starlets” playing, men taking pictures, you get the idea.  I needed to use the bathroom and found several women in different stages of “getting into their outfits”.  There were tattoos and boobs everywhere.  Now I have to give myself credit that it doesn’t faze me now – 2 years ago I never would have been there, now I found myself thinking, “Nice boobs!.”

The rest of our time there was spent pointing out the more alarming entertainment to each other.  The stereotypical men waiting for photos with “starlets” who look like they crawled out from their parents basement, or spend most of their time alone with a computer – sorry, but if the stereotype fits . . .

We did find two great new individual manufacturers of glass toys – we can’t wait to get them into the store!  So our trip wasn’t a waste, but I was dazed by my dose of reality. 

I’m a grown-up, I know the sleazier side of this exists, but I choose to drown it out. With Sweet Escape I’ve created this “high-class”, more acceptable version of a sex shop and it’s my bubble I live in. Friday night was a reminder that when most people think of a store with sex toys, it’s still Friday night’s show that comes to mind, and not our store.

So I took a little stumble off my soap box, but I’ve dusted myself off and I’m back – sex is a good thing and the intimate side of our relationships needs to be nurtured.  And no matter how sleazy some need to make the “sex industry”, there is a place for everyone – from conservative to way out freaky!

Dawn

2011 is the year of the Rabbit on the Chinese Zodiac Calendar.  The Rabbit symbolizes such character traits as creativity, compassion, and sensitivity. Rabbits are friendly, outgoing and prefer the company of others.  This description works well for the toy that found its fame with Sex in the City and has an entire category of sensual products dedicated to it.

We have women come into Sweet Escape who swear by their rabbits and others who want nothing to do with them.  We’ve been open at Sweet Escape for over 14 months and I must confess I’ve never used a Rabbit.   You might be wondering why it’s taken me so long to try one.  It’s definitely not for lack of access to them; we have plenty of them in the store.  I have rabbit-enthusiastic people around me quite often, so it’s not from a lack of positive referral. It’s also not because I tried one and didn’t like it – like I tell my children, “How do you know you don’t like something unless you’ve tried it?”  This is obviously another case of me needing to practice what I preach!  If pressed for why not – my natural response would be that I’ve shied away from them for no particular reason other than that it seemed like too much and I’m perfectly happy with the equipment that came along with my husband – my excuse - so basically the fear of trying something new.  Bottom line, I didn’t make my own pleasure a priority, and I let my fear control me. 

A woman who frequents Sweet Escape came looking for a rabbit that thrusts (I had a hard time picturing what this would look like) while also doing all the other things traditional rabbits do.  When she asked about it I hadn’t heard of it yet, so I looked it up and there it was by Cal Exotic, the Thrusting Jack Rabbit.

I got the trusting rabbit in the store, and on a whim brought it home.  Someone at my house was pleasantly surprised to see it.  After a little warm-up care of my husband, I have to say this toy was a nice surprise.  Without giving you too many details, I needed only about 20 seconds with Cal Exotic’s Thrusting Jack Rabbit.  Now you may be wondering if this was beginners luck, well I was too.  I’ve tried it again, because I was just as skeptical about my fabulous results and wanted to find out if all rabbits worked this well for me, or did I find a winner on the first shot.  I’ve since tried another, and I now understand why I enjoyed the first one, and not the second one.  Cal Exotic’s Thrusting Jack Rabbit has a softer material than others, including the rabbit ears themselves.  The thickness is also perfect for me, and although it is noisy compared to rechargeable toys, it put me in a place that allowed me to ignore it – now that says something right there.

I have to make one additional confession, other than never having used a rabbit; I’m also a bit of a toy snob.  I’m not particularly impressed by the pink or purple sparkling toy that you can see into – I don’t understand the need for all that.  I don’t look down on those who use these toys, to the contrary, I’m inspired by our customers who enjoy the girliness that some toys have and charge ahead with them. 

I mention my snobbery because my new favorite Thrusting Jack Rabbit is purple with a little pink at the top, sparkles all over with the beads in silver and purple – so my toy snobbery has been humbled a bit.  As you can imagine, I did not have Cal Exotic’s Thrusting Jack Rabbit in Sweet Escape or online before my test-drive, because it didn’t pass my toy-snob standards.  Now that those standards have been adjusted, this Rabbit has a spot on my Rabbit table and a place online.

Like most women, I enjoy external play, but sometimes there’s something missing - dah, we all know what that is.  The Rabbit solves that particular problem quite well.  The rabbit is something every woman should try at least once to see if she likes it – you may be missing out on pleasure you didn’t even know existed.

So I’m glad I finally took my own advice and just tried a Rabbit!  Here’s to enjoying the last 2 months of the year of the rabbit in pleasure and style. 

Tell me about your favorite Rabbit - I love recommendations from others!

Dawn
 

Well mine are freaking awesome if you really want to know.  I really should be working on the catalog I need for Sunday for an event we’re doing at the store – Bridal Open House, come on out! – but here I sit writing about the fact that I should be doing it.

I am not a braggart when it comes to my own skills, but with procrastination, I feel I can hold my own with the best.  During my self-exploration with my mentor/coach, I’ve come to understand that I have a need for the adrenaline fix I get from waiting until the last minute.  I’ve tried to fight this, so I put well-meaning plans in place to encourage working along the way – because it feels like it would be so much easier on everyone if I could just do things little by little instead of all at once at the end.  I look at the plan, feel really great that I put it together and it sounds great . . . but I never stick to it.  I just will not do it.

So with the understanding that I like the adrenaline rush, I’m trying to learn to accept this about myself and just move on.  Acceptance is key here, because right about now I’m at the point of beating myself up for not starting this a month and a half ago when I first scheduled the Open House.  So I spend a lot of energy not doing this thing I’m procrastinating, instead of actually doing something else.  If I could just go with it and accept that I’m waiting until I have to do it, I could be so much more productive.

But accepting this fact/flaw about myself – however you want to see it flies in the face of 30-some years of being told that PROCRASTINATION is bad.  I’m not sure how all of you were raised, but in my house, school, all of my jobs, I never received a gold star for my procrastination skills.  I’ve sat through countless seminars, training sessions and webinars on planning – and not one of them recommended waiting until the last minute.  Not once did I hear someone say, “the adrenaline you’ll feel nearing your deadline will spark such great ideas, why not go to bed now and do it later”.  I’m not sure what I would’ve done if I had received that advice – probably stare at them and wonder why they weren’t teaching me how to stop this bad habit, and then ask for my money back.

Procrastination during my corporate life was a little more thrilling because I reported to someone whom I could disappoint and get reprimanded by.  And while there was that repercussion “hanging over me”, it never really transpired, so it was sort-of an empty threat.  Now as an entrepreneur, the person I’m ultimately disappointing is myself and my family if something doesn’t get completed, the procrastination takes on a whole different light and I need to keep it in check so that the adrenaline rush is an effective boost to my creativity and not an added mayhem to my household.

So while I haven’t quite accepted my procrastination skills as a positive or even as having a place at the table, I have eased up on myself a little bit.  This might also be helping me get a little more of a head start, because it is Thursday at 10pm, and not Saturday at 10pm.

What’s your favorite procrastination technique?
 

Dawn

I spent this morning at a networking event, and for anyone who knows me, this is a terrifying proposition.  I’m horrible at going places by myself that hold the threat of the unknown.  Once I’m there I’m usually OK, it’s just getting me there that’s the problem.  So instead of piling huge amounts of pressure onto myself [which in the past has translated into me freaking out on everyone in my family, stressing for days in the form of over-eating, procrastinating every other thing in my life, and just plain being miserable] I took a new approach and kept it low key and no huge expectations – though I had shelled out almost $50, so there was that.  Without even clueing him in on my subversive plan, my husband Derrick seemed to be onboard – probably more because he’s been the receiver of the freak-out in the past, and was wearing his kid gloves this morning.  Since I knew the first hour was strictly networking and then there were guest speakers, I managed to make it there just as the guest speakers were starting.  So while I may not have networked, I got to the event – huge hurdle for me, and I saw how the event is set up, so next time I might be able to attend a little portion of the networking.  Baby steps.

The first speaker hit a cord with me immediately.  She was talking about being afraid.  Since I starting talking with my mentor and coach about what is holding me back, this concept seems to be stalking me.  This is obviously the universe’s way of getting my attention – like when Derrick and I were trying for a year to have our first child.  It wasn’t working for us, and with my level of impatience, I was devastated, frustrated and thought my world was ending.  Of course everywhere I went I saw babies, pregnant women, strollers, car seats, “Baby on Board” stickers that I had never even noticed before.  I’m sure they were all there, but somehow they never registered to me, until I wanted a baby.  Since registering my own fears is right now so prevalent to me, the universe has a big neon sign around the fear issue, and I see it addressed everywhere.

When I first read or heard that people fail because they’re afraid of success I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard.  Now, as an entrepreneur, I’m paying a little more attention to this philosophy. 

When I was in my corporate job, my dreams were safely tucked away.  These dreams really didn’t exist much past not being in an office doing HR work, but I could pull them out when I was frustrated or depressed about where I was and what I was doing – so let’s say daily.  Now though, I’m out there doing my thing, my vision is in place and I’m trying to grow it and expand it, and now my fears have taken the steering wheel and started driving.  So you might be asking, “What are you afraid of?”  After some honest reflection, I’ve realized that I’m afraid of success as it relates to me deserving it, or rather not deserving it – in walks self-loathing, my negative self-talk that pulls up a chair and stays far too long, and the way I can make myself feel guilty about the most ridiculous things.  I’m afraid of failure [this at least sounds logical to me].  Now that I’ve taken this leap out on my own I don’t know how I would ever go back to the corporate world, and what if I can’t help support my family?  What if someone doesn’t like me or like what I’m doing?  This one I pretty much made a self-fulfilling prophecy when I opened a store with sex toys – da!

So I sat this morning listening to the speaker, which I have to give props to – The Paula G Company, and the event was with Network Now – and all of my own fears were running through my head.  I’ve heard similar information, ideas and strategies before, but I can’t seem to get enough of them right now as I battle my way through this.  What makes me feel calmer about all this or maybe less ridiculous, is that the message resonated with so many others in the room – as indicated by the long line of women signing up for Paula’s next session at her table after her talk.

Just putting pen to paper on my fears freaks me out – I’m currently polishing off my person bag of Orville Redenbacher while writing this.  And while it freaks me out, it frustrates the hell out of me at the same time.  I can list my fears, really look them in the eye, and they keep holding me back and paralyzing me.  I do inch forward, but when will I give myself permission to take the leaps I see in my head – before self-doubt and negative self-talk win the fight?

Tell me about your fears.  The old saying, “misery loves company” holds true, but just maybe we can start taking our leaps together.  I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

Dawn

We’ve never had a problem with getting our children to go to sleep.  I would traditionally knock on wood here, but we’re way past that now.  Starting around 6 months old until our oldest who is now 5 years old, both of our kids have gone to bed between 8pm and 8:30pm pretty religiously.  Now our kids are 3 ½ and 5 and up until a month ago still sticking to their bedtime routine, which gave my husband and I both a much needed brake from the two of them, not to mention, dare I say it – time together!?! 

Just a month ago I remember sitting outside a dance lesson listening slightly baffled, though not judgmental, to two mothers talk about kids who wouldn’t go to bed before 10 or 11pm.  I smugly thought about how lucky I was, and how I didn’t think I could survive if I didn’t get that child-free time at night.  When I think back now, this was the knock on wood moment.

Now I sit here at 10pm typing this with my children both upstairs “playing” in our daughter’s room.  Now the irony of the situation is that they can play together for well over an hour at 9 or 10 at night without a referee, where during daylight hours a referee is required almost every 5 minutes.  Why is it that when children are doing something they’re not supposed to be doing, they can be so devilishly quiet and well-behaved about it? 

So this has been going on for about a month now, and at first my husband and I resisted.  In the beginning resistance came in the form of yelling, and threatening.  We’ve now moved into acceptance – is this the steps in the grieving process?    And the enemy, sorry, I mean our children, have sensed our acceptance and now more brazenly then before come downstairs at regular intervals to pepper us with ridiculous questions – “When is it going to be Christmas” – a favorite of our 3 year old, or “When can we go on the train?” – a favorite of the 5 year old.

The cherished me and we time we actually had, when one of us wasn’t working at the store, or out at the grocery store – always Derrick I have to admit, continues to erode.  I sometimes think we’ve used up all of our patience on children staying up way too late, and all of the normal things that happen all day long and have little left to share with each other at the end of the day.

Moral of my story – sex in the morning.